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David Mccarthy - Gildragon
09 July 2012 @ 08:24 am
As some of you may know (who I'm I kidding only one person is gonna read this) Not too long ago I was interested in someone who was in my cast in NARNIA. We were pretty infatuated with each other... so it seems. Now I have some doubts.

First of all let me say. I regret NOTHING of what happened. It didn't work out I know... but I have to old on the the happy moments. Even if it sucks not having anyone now. I really really had some good times.

However, I'm thinking that maybe she just kept me around for the attention she got. I gave her a fair amount of care, praise, and comfort. No, I didn't really get much FROM her, unless you count her letting me occasionally hold her hand and hug. I suppose I knew nothing was gonna happen, but I wasn't gonna give up, and I didn't.

The worst part of it is I suppose was that I was SO SURE.
So damned sure that she was going to come around. I mean for crying out loud she told me to continue being me and that I was "winner her over," to "just wait," and that she'd "come around eventually." Maybe I gave her a little too much attention.

And when it came to talking about a relationship during that time for the most part she was honest. Which... sort of made it harder, but at the same time I preferred. I didn't feel she was a bitch... which helped cuz she generally took my feelings into consideration when she shied away from a relationship.

And maybe she actually isn't ready, but I don't know that I believe that. Part of me thinks that someone else came around. I don't know. but when I put some "finality" to "are we gonna date, or are we just gonna be friends?" she told me she wasn't ready to date. that made it pretty damn final. (I also felt like pretty worthless after that) the thing is... later she told me that she'd been trying to figure out if we'd be good together and her decision was no.

I haven't asked her why she thought so. Perhaps I won't know, but maybe its better that I shouldn't. but I'm thinking to my self WHAT THE FUCKING HELL??? We WERE good together. We had fun, we had a lot in common, we related on a lot, we had the same interests. I suppose the only real thing was that I wanted a relationship a lot more than she did. I don't hate her, but I sorta wish she was more decisive about this earlier. cuz it got beyond just a crush or a "liking" of her for me. I legitimately cared about her. if she felt bad, I wanted to know why and try to help if I could.

and it's been over a month now since she told me now... SO WHY IS IT SO DAMNED HARD TO MOVE ON?

I think about her all the time. I think what we could have been. I miss her touch. and now.. it seems like she's not all that interested in even being friends (lack of contact)... which should make this easier to move on... BUT I DONT KNOW WHY I CANT...


... I don't know what else to say. but I miss her ever single day
 
 
Current Mood: confusedconfused
 
 
David Mccarthy - Gildragon
If I stop and think about it. When it comes to finding someone for a relationship... There are three conclusions I can generally come up with.

1) I just don't know what is ideal for me, so I act in an unsure manner when pursuing someone.
2) I can never have the ones I really like, either from my insecurity or something about them prevents anything from happening.
3) There actually are AMAZING people out there, and I just have to be extremely patient to get one.

I'd like to focus on 3, or at the very least a variation of it. it's by far the most optimistic. and IF I am going to be with someone someday, then I'll have to live by it.

I'm really just thinking out loud here.
So the current romantic interest of mine (way to sound like a movie David) is HERE.
OH MY GOD! WHAT? STOP THE PRESSES, DAVID LIKES SOMEONE ACTUALLY IN THE SAME TIME ZONE, NOT ONLY THAT THE SAME STATE!!! <--- This is something I previously thought unlikely to happen. Merely because I had concluded, much too prematurely it seems that the women attracted to me must just not live here.

Now here's the part that sucks
We like hanging out.
She KNOWS that I really like her to the point of wanting to be affectionate
She isn't "ready" to date anyone right now (well as of a few weeks ago), yet she likes me too.
We both acknowledge that we like/miss/ want to spend time with, etc each other
and we talk/text a lot
Over these past few weeks I've really gotten to know her well.
And the thing is.
I almost hoped that I'd find something that would make me like her less.
Because of wanting to respect her life I've held back from making an advance towards a relationship (which she really respects about me) BUT AT THE SAME FREAKING TIME, most of what she says to me makes me desire her all the more.

Here we have the embodiment of my affection.
lets run down the "basic" checklist of excellent GF material
1) Single = Check
2) Attractive = Double Check
3) Christian = Check
4) Talented = Double Check
5) Personality = Check
6) Sense of Humor = Check
7) Similar tastes in music/food/movies etc. = Check
8) Easy to talk to and be honest with = Double Check
9) Love of Theater = Check
10) LIKES ME BACK = Check

It's fairly obvious by anyone seeing us hanging out that we like each other. or at the very least I like her. So I'd even think at this point it'd be EXPECTED that we should be dating. Granted, it's an expectation that I welcome with open arms, but its hard to carry that out when the woman I like isn't sure of what she wants to do

Ultimately I at least have a good friend. BUT IS SO BADLY want to be more than that.
I've heard he tell me how she wants to be held, etc.
and I SO MUCH WANT TO BE THAT GUY.

I want to do all the annoyingly cute things that a boyfriend is supposed to do. IE: cuddled up under a blanket watching a movie, flowers, etc.
I cannot express how much I want to do this, and how much more I want to do that with HER.
I keep having urges to hold her hand. and maybe I should just man up and do it. Maybe she will appreciate that I took the bold step to do so.

Maybe I should just tell her. "You know what? We should just date anyways. It's 100% obvious we like each other and want to be more comfortable with each other. And i'm pretty confident we aren't going to be assholes to each other. JUST DO IT WOMANNNNNN"

I'm not asking for a lot. but I'm tired of holding onto love without anyone to share it with.
 
 
Current Mood: discontentdiscontent
 
 
David Mccarthy - Gildragon
13 March 2012 @ 08:42 am
Recently, I wonder if I just feel alone as a general feeling, Or if I know exactly what I am looking for and I'm just absent from it. Maybe there isn't a difference. I might be just aware of my single nature, but I don't like it.

I need someone to be with. I want someone to share my life with. I'm not saying I don't currently do that to an extent with my father and sister, of course I do. Yet, my father and sister can only provide to that to a certain extent, and it seems recently I know who would be perfect to do that.

On the other hand DAMMIT. Sometimes I think I put too much hope into things that are probably never gonna happen. And i'm not sure which hurts more, the fact that its probably not going to. Or "making" it happen but not getting what I want out of it. I'm not sure which direction to go to. Part of me is saying "She isn't here David, move on" and the other part of me is saying "This just feels so right."

It's not like I have anyone here anyways, and with the current normal social pattern that I keep that's not likely to change. Granted, this is mostly my responsibility, but I also know my self. I am capable of taking initiative, but sometimes I don't recognize that I need to.

AND even if I DID find someone here, what are the chances that they'd be able to make as close a connection that I've developed in such a short time. Many people that I've known for YEARS don't know me as well.

Is it just that love doesn't exist for me HERE? I can't believe that, but at the same time it seems of late that anyone who does show a hint of interest (or even more than a hint) is somewhere where I'm never really gonna go. I mean really if money wasn't a problem I could just up and go and just randomly burst through a door in cheesy romantic style. Heck maybe even serenade, and just for the reaction I'd be the happiest I've been in some time. But this is something I cannot do.

I know what its like to have a personal connection with someone, yet not be able to actually BE with that person. That was honestly what hurt most about my last relationship. What I'm looking for in a relationship honestly is someone to BE with. And to be honest that is the biggest reason I don't have someone right now.

However, I currently don't want anyone else, but someone that I can't have. I'm not closing myself off to someone that "might" be here at all. I'm just saying, I can't get my mind off of how well it COULD work. Dammit, this hurts just as much as aforementioned relationship that didn't work out because of distance.

Really I just wish there was something I could do to get what I want. Maybe this longing is supposed to be there. I don't know. I'm just really tired of waiting. I've done my fair share holding onto love, and now I just want someone to give it to. Can't help it if that someone is not even in the same time zone.
 
 
David Mccarthy - Gildragon
30 August 2010 @ 03:03 pm
So today I recieve a random message from one of my YouTube subscribers saying "Congrats" in the subject line.
Granted I'm also subscribed to her and she's done two of my "Sing with Me" videos, but that's beside the point. I barely know this person besides the extent of the videos she's sung, I haven't had a regular conversation with her like I have with members of Harmonium or of DUB (and maybe one or two others that I've recently conversed with).
So I'm totally surprised and wondering what the congrats are for since nothing has recently happened.

Her Message said,

Hey there, looks like you've gotten alot of feedback recently on your vids, and your John Smith really takes the cake lol. Any time you think you need a female duet partner, I hope you look me up.


Looking at the subject of this message I replied something to the effect of "Sure I'll look you up for a duet in the future."

But this made me think. Am I starting to get so popular on youtube that I'm getting honest to goodness fangirls?
I don't know how I am going to receive that if this is the case.

All I'm saying is really is this made me think. Feel Free to E-Slap me in the face if I ever become a Prima Donna.


(and I mean in a serious way. even though I joke all the time that doesn't count)
 
 
David Mccarthy - Gildragon
29 July 2010 @ 08:00 am
So this Monday I went to audition for an in concert performance of West Side Story.
For this kind of show there are predetermined pieces of music from the show with which you have to audition.
for the guys it was either "The Jet Song" or "Cool"
Because I like the characterization better in "The Jet Song" I decided to sing that one.
and I have to say I did a marvelous Job.

Now I was hoping to either get "Riff" which is like the 2nd biggest male part in the show. or the guy who sings my favorite song from the show "Gee Officer Krupke."

sooo

after the basic auditions they have me stay later with only 2 other guys
and sing "Tonight" (the version that has like EVERYONE singing in it) as Riff. which...I was terrible at

not that I couldn't sing the notes...buuut the timing is extremely hard to learn and since it was pretty much on the spot I screwed up. sooo I was like...POOP. probably not getting riff.


BUUUUUUT

then they also had the same 3 guys sing "Gee Officer Krupke" (which is sung by Action) and I totally ROCKED at that song. I seriously got amazing compliments at that one. and that was the end of auditions for me

Now the deal is for a show. that on the day that a cast list is decided that if you are cast in a show you get a phone call to let you know that you have made it. That day was yesterday. so everyone who got cast would get a call yesterday. and it was supposed to be around noon time.

So I'm waiting at work to receive this call because I figured even if I didn't get a major part they'd still get me as a backup type singer right?
I DIDN'T GET A CALL!!! :(
so I'm shaking because I thought I did a good job I was so nervous and anxious.
Usuallly when you don't get a call that means you didn't make it into the show.
however there have been times when i've auditioned for shows that I haven't received calls where i've been cast or been needed at callbacks and received no notification. so I went down to the theatre after work to read the cast list.

I looked at Riff and the person who Is playing him is... NOT ME...
I'M PLAYING ACTION BABY!!!!!!!!!!
 
 
 
David Mccarthy - Gildragon
21 July 2010 @ 03:23 pm
SSoo  
So I thought that I should get to know my friends more. and people

I've started complimenting more asking about peoples lives...this makes me feel good
 
 
David Mccarthy - Gildragon
I recently Acquired a copy of Final Fantasy XIII for my birthday. Also since I have won a series of gift cards from my work. I was also able to purchase Assassins Creed (AC).

Both these games I've already purchased and started to play to some extent, more on that later.

Since I still had quite a bit of money left over after the purchase of AC I decided that two more games should also be in effect. So from Amazon I've ordered the Sequel to AC, Assassin's Creed 2 (which I'm told is a major improvement from the previous game), as well as Heavy Rain (played the demo and the gaming is so revolutionary to my understanding of what gaming is I HAD to get it)

These two new games are being shipped and are on their way to my house as we speak.

So my dilemma falls to which game I should play first or which one I'll play more often.

Now when it comes to how I like to play games, it all depends on how much time I have. If I have a longer day I like to play games that are naturally long or have quite a bit of playtime before coming to a save point or saving "event." If I have a short amount of time I like to play games that I can quickly progress in with frequent saves, or Auto Saving.


Generally most of my experience with final fantasy games lends itself to the idea that it takes a long time to get from one point to another or a long time to do anything worthwhile in the game. so I generally only play those games when I have like all day of a weekend to play. however it seems, so far, that save points are actually somewhat frequent. and judging by how AMAZING the game seems so far I may actually play some times other than just long Saturdays.

However AC seems to also be pretty fun with good A.I. and graphics. not to mention frequent auto saves. so I may dedicate the shorter amounts of time to that game. I'll probably go both ways for a while

once heavy rain gets here. that'll confuse the whole deal. even more, but hey I'm a gamer I have to manage my time right? lol

Expect reviews to come soon on each game
 
 
David Mccarthy - Gildragon
28 June 2010 @ 07:51 am
So yesterday...

I had the celebration (aka PARTY!!!) for my 23rd birthday.

My Aunt got me a bunch of really nice shirts and the soundtrack to Knights Tale
My uncle and cousins got me a Mario Tshirt, Yoshi's Island (DS), and a book
My dad and sister got me like 15 movies (I don't think I'm exaggerating...3 were blu-ray) don't ask for a list ...just yet.
They also got me Final Fantasy XIII, Sunglasses, New headphones, Inscense, A shirt that's a size too small and I think maybe a few other things that i'm forgetting because I'm tired.
annnnnd

A BLUE SNOWBALL USB MICROPHONE!!!!!!

(and a pop filter)


SPAM RECORDING HERE I COME
 
 
David Mccarthy - Gildragon
18 June 2010 @ 03:39 pm
So Today...

MY work decided that I've been abusing the audio at my workstation.
I have no idea what that means, because I wasn't using it while actually performing my job, only on breaks and in between calls. and I've been doing that for at least a month if not longer. and it was never a problem and I hadn't been reprimanded for it. so I'm rather surprised. not mad or anything, but ...yeah.

this really slows down the process in which I can learn songs and practice.

while it wont' stop me it will slow down. which kinda really sucks

so I won't be able to listen to fellow singers videos or rehearse while on break (unless I can make my mp3 player work)

I'll dedicate most rehearsal and time then while I'm at home (since my show ends on Sunday). but sadly I can't do anything here (at work). :(

its just audio not website so I'll still be here...hopefully
 
 
David Mccarthy - Gildragon
27 May 2010 @ 12:48 pm
As all of you know I like do record music. However its difficult to get a quality song out there with the modest equipment that I have. I mean really. I have a few basic audio editing programs, some cheap karaoke files, and the microphone that I use is from a Karaoke Revolution game for my Playstation 2....yeah. Plus I'm providing all my music for you to download for FREE!. there is no cost to buy songs that I sing. HOWEVER. if you feel you would like to donate to help me with equipment or even lessons to learn how to play an instrument you can do so with paypal below